Salt is another in a long line of films that kind of suck. We should just start calling 2010 The Year of Suck. This wannabe riddler reeks of hack writing, hack directing, and rating pandering. The overall impression one gets from the film is one of supreme sloppiness. Did anyone truly care about this product before it was shat upon the cinematic landscape? Obviously not, because judging from the theatrical trailers, they didn’t even mind giving away one of the twists in the film. Also, the trailer is somewhat misleading as it includes brief flashes of a sensuous Jolie showing some skin, which never actually show up in the theatrical version. You know what that means… a Special Edition is forming in the bowels of Columbia Pictures.

The film is a typical spy tale complete with “sleepers,” a generally accepted spy cliché which I find absolutely ridiculous… like putting color-changing mountains on a can of beer. (Just touch the fucking thing. If it’s cold, drink it.) Evelyn Salt is a CIA agent. One day a Russian dude shows up and says, “Hey! Evelyn Salt is going to kill the Russian President.” The spy has a switchblade shoe, and easily escapes from the CIA building he’s at. At the same time Salt tries to escape from the building because she’s worried about her nerdy husband, who exists as nothing but a cameo appearance and a couple of flashback moments. The CIA and FBI quickly chase after Salt… and completely ignore the guy who just killed two CIA agents. Salt escapes and tries to figure out how to get out of the mess she’s in… and the Russian President? Well, he’s never even warned that there’s going to be an assassination attempt on his life… even though he could easily skip the funeral he’s attending. Hell, they don’t even put a bullet proof vest on the bastard. This is the type of stuff I’m talking about when I say “sloppy.” The story has holes, inconsistencies, and, even if you had the ability to overlook all of these problems, it’s still wouldn’t be that interesting.

Director Phillip Noyce (Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger), who has crafted some fine espionage gems in his day, seems to struggle under the weight of a shitty story, an irresponsible marketing team, and a star who, like that bowl of taco meat in the back of my fridge, appears to be past her prime. Studio rating-pandering doesn’t help matters any as the action scenes are absolutely bland. For a film called Salt, it’s sort of ironic that the film needs some spicing up. Noyce’s film is devoid of blood and dabbles too long and too often with shaky cam moments, bad CGI, and mismatched stunt people. In short, this is a good primer for how to make a generic PG-13 action flick.

Angelina Jolie couldn’t seem more disinterested in a job. Maybe she just took the movie to fund her strange child collection. Jolie is like the celebrity version of the crazy cat lady, only she collects foreign kids instead of cats, and honestly, if this is the kind of effort she’s going to put into her roles, I’d rather she cozy up in her mansion and watch all her foreign kids play around. Even worse, they turn Jolie into K.D. Lang for the last thirty minutes of the movie. Chiwetel Ejiofor (Four Borthers, 2012) and Liev Schreiber (Defiance, Scream), who typically give performances in the solid to good range, are completely wasted on this film. Their roles are stock bullshit, and the final actions of Ejiofor’s character are completely beyond believability.

I keep looking for things to like about this film, but honestly, it’s just some skinny white chick running around disabling people, while the inevitable twists build up in the viewers’ guts like a Taco Bell bomb. But let’s finish this on a positive note… umm… yeah. Switchblade shoes are cool right? Jumping off a wall and then punching someone is cool? Nope. I got nothing.

Final Synopsis: I feel like no one even tried on this movie. Skip this, and wait for the sequel… Celery Seed.

Points Lost: -1 for Angelina Jolie sucking, -1 for poor fight sequences, -1 for excessive stunt people appearances and cover-up techniques, -1 for being ball-less, -1 for shitty plot twists, -1 for some dumbass plot elements overall, -1 for excessive shaky cam, -1 for the “sleepers” spy cliché, -1 for making Jolie look like K.D. Lang

Lesson Learned: The best way to catch an assassin is to let everything go on like normal and not tell the mark that someone is trying to kill them.

Burning Question: Has anyone ever seen a more hideous string of hair and hat choices for a female character in a movie? There’s not a single hairstyle or hat that Jolie wears which doesn’t look ridiculous.

Salt
1/10

Salt (2010) - DVD Movie Reviews, 4.0 out of 10 based on 3 ratings

Tags: 2010, action, adventure, angleina jolie, chiwetel ejiofor, latest movie reviews, liev schreiber, phillip noyce, shitty movies, sleepers, spy movie