The Raid 2 – Movie Drinking Games

the raid 2

This drinking game is to be played with The Raid 2 and some beer.

1 drink – every time someone dies
1 drink – every time someone throws something
1 drink – every time someone is knocked to the ground
1 drink – every time someone smokes

The I’d Hit That Special – Take a drink every time someone is hit. Good luck.

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The Raid 2 (2014) – Movie Reviews

the raid 2

Gareth Evan’s The Raid: Redemption is one of the top three action movies of the last thirty years, right up there with Die Hard and John Woo’s Hard-Boiled. When I found out a sequel was coming out, I probably sharted a little bit. It has since been decided that there will be a third film… more sharting has ensued. It’s hard not to go into a film with expectations, especially since the first film was so groundbreaking and badass. The sequel? Well, it’s a different beast entirely.

Taking its cues from Japanese yakuza flicks, The Raid 2 is essentially a crime opera filled with ultra-realistic, hyper-violent set pieces that are sure to have you cringing and groaning in reaction...

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Non-Stop Movie Drinking Game

nonstop

This drinking game is to be played with Non-Stop and some beer… or if you’re like Neeson’s character, pour some whiskey in a cup of coffee… preferably before you go to work.

1 drink – every time someone dies
1 drink – every time Neeson receives a text message
1 drink – every time someone drinks
1 drink – every time you see a cell phone
1 drink – every time Neeson checks his watch
1 drink – every time Neeson smokes
1 drink – every time Neeson hits someone

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Non-Stop (2014) – Movie Reviews

nonstop

It’s been a while since I reviewed a movie… mostly because there hasn’t been anything worth reviewing over the last four months. Every movie hitting movie theaters these days seems to be solely comprised of beat sheet, formulaic films. Case in point: Non-Stop. Were it not for the ageless Liam Neeson’s presence, this film’s script would be laughed out any focus group comprised of real people. However, real people don’t make Hollywood movies. Instead, they are put together by rich motherfuckers who are so disconnected from the real world, that they rely on items like “beat sheets” to figure out if a story will work.

Were Non-Stop pitched to a real human being with half a brain, they would laugh at the film’s tired and clichéd plot...

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A Letter to a Dick – Poetry?

words1

The other day, I sent out this email:

You are receiving this email because your son/daughter has not turned in a major writing assignment for their language arts class. The writing assignment is a two-page memoir paper that must include a theme. The paper was due on the 20th of December. After Friday the 17th of January, I will no longer be accepting the paper, which is worth five grades in the gradebook, or roughly 1/8th of their grade. Hopefully, with your help, your student can get the assignment turned in.

Here is the response that I got back from one of my parents (Note that names have been changed to protect the innocent, myself, and that douche who sent the email in the first place.):

Dear Mr. Vocabulariast,

By the way, the relationship Jub Jub has with us, his parents, is that of ...

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So Close – A Poem

poetry

So Close

Waiting with anticipation
weeks like nuclear ash blowing in the wind
the promise of reward at the end,
a pot of gold, a receipt for sweat and blood.
Disappointment or exultation balanced on a scale floating in a void,
ready to be tipped by fools
jesters with the common sense of a lemming,
pounding toward the edge of a cliff
in the name of starpower and profit,
jingling their bells and proclaiming future success.

“Theatrical,” they say.
“Your name on the map,” they say.
“Van Damme, Statham, Austin, Rourke,” they whisper,
the names dropping, dripped from the mouths of the haves.

And I wait,
patient as an Easter Island statue
waiting to be worshipped.
And I wait,
as impatient as a hummingbird,
wings buoyed by unattained potential,
constant rejection, and carpal tunnel syn...

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The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug – Movie Drinking Game

the_hobbit__the_desolation_of_smaug_by_nacho3-d5vj5ll

This drinking game is to be played with The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and some of your favorite beer.

1 drink – every time someone says “Smaug”
1 drink – every time Bilbo plays with his ring
1 drink – every time an orc dies
1 drink – every time someone mentions a secret door
1 drink – every time someone fires an arrow

The Fire Breather Special: Drink continuously while fire is one the screen.

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The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013) – Movie Reviews

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After Peter Jackson’s original Lord of the Rings trilogy, anticipation for The Hobbit couldn’t have been any higher. Sadly, the first Hobbit film failed to be anything other than slapstick comedy, dwarven ballads, and CGI tripe. It was slightly annoying and definitely not what fans had come to expect from Jackson. Thankfully, Jackson and the studios appear to have listened to what fans wanted, because none of the issues that plagued The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey are present in The Desolation of Smaug, although there is a lot of annoying pronunciation of the word Smaug… which everyone I know pronounced as “smog” until the trailer came out.

Despite the fact that The Hobbit could have easily been told in one two and a half hour movie, it has been broken apart into three secti...

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American Hustle – Movie Drinking Games

american hustle

This drinking game is to be played with American Hustle and some beer.

1 drink – every time someone says “money” or mentions an amount of money
1 drink – every time someone smokes
1 drink – every time someone drinks
1 drink – every time someone says “F.B.I.”
1 drink – every time the camera focuses on Amy Adams and objectifies her
1 drink – every time someone says “from the feet up”

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American Hustle (2013) – Movie Reviews

american hustle

It’s plain to see that American Hustle will be another in a long list of successful awards movies that relies solely on solid acting rather than a solid plot to be effective. Unlike David O. Russell’s other impressive films, The Fighter and Silver Linings Playbook, American Hustle seems to be a ridiculous period piece that is more concerned with character instead of actually telling a story. Characters are great, but if the story is worthless and forgettable, then what you have is only half a great movie. This is the case with American Hustle, a great movie that feels like a vanity project...

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